he puts the penis in happiness.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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