Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
