you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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