i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
