Me. At least after what I've been through.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize