i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
