your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
