were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
