I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
