Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
