i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
