i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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