Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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