I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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