I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
