Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
