Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
