I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
