There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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