He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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