I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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