Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
