you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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