I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
