I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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