Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
