Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
