I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
