Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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