I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
