so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
