The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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