Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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