just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I did not marry a roomba.
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