last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
