Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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