I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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