I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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