I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
