I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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