i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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