Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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