just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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