Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
