Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
