Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
