I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
