Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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