I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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