I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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