Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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