hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
